I thought I was getting the hang of this retirement thing, at least the easing into retirement for Kurt. But like anything it is a work in progress. He left a short time ago, and were it not for my worrying about Gauge performing and in this continuing heat wave, I couldn't have shoved Kurt out the door fast enough. I am just so looking forward to a couple of days all to myself. Time to not explain why I am not turning on the AC, and just relaxing in front of a fan in the hottest part of the afternoon. I can do this because I don't have to worry about making someone a meal, who will eat a salad if I make him the salad. A salad takes less than 5 minutes to prepare and there was leftover teryaki chicken to put in it, but a salad wasn't appealing if he had to make it. Better leftover nacho meat which he just had to dump cheese on and heat. ...ARGGGH! And that is why I am happy for this time alone.
This would be a minor matter if we could just work on the business of retiring, but there just is all this stuff from the business still going on. It kind of puts a crimp in my enjoyment of the weekend as if its a bit off kilter from the start. Kurt is taking Gauge to a master hunt test. It is a two day trial, but if Gauge fails the first day, he is done. You have to pass both days to get the pass, but on my scale of importance I would rather if he must fail, it be the second day. Of course I have the utmost faith in Gauge, its handler error that worries me. But then it doesn't take much to worry me these days. I talked to a friend a couple of weeks ago, and she said, "I am just so tired of worrying all the time about everything". I get it. I really do. This was a woman who had taken a deserved retirement from a major telephone company. Her kids were grown and she delighted in watching her grandkids. And still she worried. And I get it. Sometimes its enough to make me not want to turn on the tv except to watch old reruns of the "Andy Griffith" show. There is no worrying in Mayberry where every problem is solved in a half hour and life just seems slow and easy. Its enough to make give up reading the newspapers....Well, I kind of did that a year ago, when I canceled my local paper. Aside from the obits, which seem to be more relevant day by day,I don't miss it much. Its enough to make me want to shut off every electronic device capable of giving me the bad news and sad state of our world, but then I couldn't complain on this blog, now could I?
What it really makes me want to do is go back to my childhood, to that simpler time when I didn't have much to worry about except eating my vegetables. It probably wasn't worry free for my parents who had to think about supporting a young family on a dairy farmer's income, but it just seems as the world has grown, as we are linked instaneously with everywhere by the stroke of a send key on a computer, we have more to worry about We can be told about everywhere around the world. We now agonize over bad news along with millions and billions of others. We are told we aren't pretty enough, good enough, young enough, or smart enough and that we must plan ahead to avert disaster. Usually I feel like that ship has long since sailed, and the big shoe that is about to fall on my head is just around the next corner. If the shoe went up, its gonna come down....
But the thing about worrying is, it doesn't add one day to your life, a Biblical quote that is a truism in a Book of Truth. Worrying won't make me prettier, smater, faster, richer, and most importantly at this stage of my game.....YOUNGER. I can't turn back the clock and get a "do over". I can't wish that I had thought to do things earlier. I can't regret that I let early worries, sap some of the pleasure out of times before. I can pray for Patience to wait on what's in store for me and release the fears to the place they belong....at God's feet.
Yup, I haven't figured out this retirement thing at all, and the lump of worry still resides in my chest at 3 a.m., but the good thing is, it doesn't seem to knock me down and drag me into the pit. It takes a good whack at me, but I am resilent....I think.
For now, I'm just going to put my feet up and read a good book with that fan blowing gently on me and relax....and leave my worrying behind for awhile anyway.