Thursday, June 21, 2012

A New Chapter

Here I am in the basement of my house, sweeping cobwebs. There are many, many cobwebs.   I have been reduced to this.  In my zeal to save on electrical energy and to stubbornly resist turning on the AC this early in "not even summer" yet, I found the basement to be blessedly cool.   A quick swipe with the broom on the stairway turned into an hour adventure in the wonders, of cool, damp basements and watching spiders scurry as I attacked their lairs.

I was also in the basement to escape Kurt.  If anyone is still reading this blog, and I've got to admit, I wouldn't read it at the rate I add to it, you will have noticed there has been over a month lapse.  Lots of things I alluded to earlier on in this blog, came to fruition or more appropriately an end.  Kurt's business was sold after a year of uncertainty and unease, and near panic.  He and his brother transitioned the business over for 90 days and then retired.  We kind of lived in denial during that period, both of us hoping something magical would happen to change what was going to be a new, (and we thought), unwelcome chapter in our lives.  Kurt didn't really want to retire and I didn't want him retired.  He was tired of the struggle of what the business had become, but didn't know any other way to live and was quite frankly, scared about what his life would now be.  I was panicked by all the stereotypes I had seen and were in my mind about retirement and how we'd survive it together when we had never done anything 24/7 for more than a couple of week's time in our whole married life.

So we lived in denial until it was done, and then we fell off that cliff together.  Its now been a month and we're kind of getting it.  There have been moments of silent primal screaming, (mine), and moments when I find him just gazing out into the yard with a faraway look on his face, but I am slowly finding the blessed moments are becoming more prevalent and starting to outweigh every thing else.  We are doing the retirement thing by the seat of our pants, but I guess every big event in my life, has been by the seat of my pants and  learning as I go along.  Its never been what I thought it would be in my murky imaginings, but in the "glass half full" I'm trying to adopt, its always been full of surprises and they have been blessings far and away.  I'm trying to find the little things every day that I missed so often along the way to the next big phase in my life.  And I was never quite sure I got to that next big phase until I was mostly through it.  Go figure.

Still, I am in the basement sweeping cobwebs and relishing being, at least by a cool room, away from him.  We now make an effort to do things we couldn't before like take a drive on a hot, midweek evening and stop for ice cream at the Merrill Whippy Dip.  We plan on heading up north during the week to see relatives, (also retired), on the non busy part of the weeks.  We weed the garden together and sit on our laptops, side by side.

Still, I am in the basement and wishing I could be somewhere else for awhile without him.  But I can smile, knowing he would rather be somewhere else without me also.  He's a bit lost for now trying to remake his life without that constant of going to work.  I am trying to be optimistic and look at this as our chance to live life simply, but still well and slow down and enjoy.  That's a tall order for me as I tend to take every headline, every ache and pain to heart and the "Sky is falling, Chicken Little", but I am trying. 

I am in the basement sweeping cobwebs, but its a blessing as without retirement, I wouldn't be in this cool basement, badly in need of sweeping and some critical analysis on what should be stored away years upon years ago.  Things I can now put in order. 

My plan is to now really write.  The elephant in the room is now exposed and now its time to live the rest of life.  Things to write bubble from me, but I am not a disciplined person.  I do what I have to do, but so often great things to write come when I am away from the house or lying in bed, too tired to get up, but too wide awake to sleep. 

Maybe its time to start a new blog, but for now, this Grandma is still learning and I'll stick with that and sweep some more cobwebs.

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