Thursday, February 16, 2012

Not Sure About Now.

Its been awhile since I have written on this.  My saving Grace.  My way to get out of my closed in world and communicate went rather awry. 

My intent when I started writing last year was to comment on life, tongue in cheek, as I saw it approaching grandma hood. It was a year I thought many changes would be happening and that seeing the lighter side of life, of where I had been and where I was going, (didn't have a clue on that one), would help me.  Writing has always been my way of expressing.  I heard Art Lewis on WSGW, the other morning, just one of many new things that have happened, and he was commenting on how he was a speaker of the written word, not a writer.  He confessed he finds it very difficult to write and always has, and I am the opposite and find it my release, when I am alone.  He is a people person and I want to shape people's opinions of me through my written word. 

The year didn't go quite as planned, but I have found out, really nohingt in life has gone by my vague plans.  It was kind of a "put on hold" year, almost a limbo type of time.  I had two grandchildren approaching, but excited as I was for their arrival, the events seemed dwarfed by all that was going on in my personal world.  Many things will be resolved in the next few weeks, and while I still can not write about them fully, they will mean a new direction for my next chapter of life.  The past year was the greatest personal struggle I have ever encountered.  It shook me to my core and likely was my Achilles heel, the soft spot where I could be felled. 

Many days it felt like holding on by my fingernails.  Feeling inadequate, forlorn and totally helpless to do anything about the situation confronting me, threatened to pitch me into a black hole.  When you are in such a place, your vision is tunnel like and even though you know many have it far worse, you can't see past your pain.  It took months of a roller coaster ride, one day, good, one day, only okay, and a day of plunging back down.  I often felt like a punch drunk fighter, just trying to stay on my feet.  And I wasn't personally experiencing the worst of it.  That was the good man I married, who saw his whole life shifting dramatically.

Some days it was just putting one foot in front of the other, and getting through.  The nights were the worst, as they always are and the long nights of winter, something I dreaded.  But I had wonderful support.  My daughter became the best friend, I never thought I would have in her.  She called, encouraged and told us we would see the end of this. My sons kept me sane and kept their dad feeling like he had some control.   And I had prayer, and in the end, though it seemed tortoise slow in coming and inadequate in ready answers, God did provide.  He got me through many a night, just by getting me through to see the new day.  He put things before me that perhaps would have passed my understanding at another time, but were His instructions to me at a critical time.  Words I found in the strangest places, buoyed me.  Friends, without knowing gave me hope and lifted my spirits.  And little by little, small step after small step, the winter isn't as harrowing any more and I fear less.  I have learned that worry doesn't add one day to my life, and that in fact it is the most counter productive thing I can do.  I have learned to lay my worries at His feet, and let Him provide the solution.  Even in the darkest times, He has put things in my way, and sometimes it was as simple as getting through the night.  For someone who has always had sleep problems, and dreading the long winter nights, that is a revelation in itself.  I will backslide and I will falter but I know now, that I am no longer lost, and have a place always to go.

So, while my blog may now spend days with large holes in the time line, I have replaced trying to replicate a childhood which was not always perfect, (in fact almost never), using witty anecdotes and nostalgia to conjure up a better time, with getting out among people and doing what I am least comfortable with, becoming a people person.  I won't give up the writing as every day I think of something I would like to share, but now I will try to carve out time to do just that.  I won't feel obligated to write as something I started and need to finish, but rather something that gives me joy, along with many other things in life.

Today there is a thick fog enveloping my house, and this is the middle of February.  I don't like fog and gray especially in the days of winter where daylight is at a premium.  My plans for working out with friends took a postponement when one friend couldn't come and looking out on the gray, it just felt better for today to stay home and write.  I feel cozy today, and I seldom say that about these kind of days.  Things long put off have a chance at accomplishment today, or at least an examination of needs and time. 

While I enjoy writing about good times and a childhood that now seems of the best, I also know I can't hide behind that.  Here's to a better year and new challenges as long as I draw breath....

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