Sunday, July 3, 2011

Fireflies and Fireworks

When I started this blog, I had planned to write in it every day, or at the least every other day, or at the very least once a week.  I had also planned to make this a lighthearted piece of writing full of memories and sanguine observations of a mature lady.  But life somehow interfered and maybe that was never the great plan anyway, but things happened and I was anything but light of heart and  in fact, my heart was heavy, and I couldn't talk about it, so it was easier not to visit here.  I had many moments that I wanted to write, little things happening daily, bike ride moments when a thought would come crystal clear to me, or just doing something in the house or garden, but I wouldn't be near the keyboard and the moments would pass and the worries would creep back, and I couldn't put those into words here and nothing would be solved if I did, so I stayed away.

I have developed this love/hate relationship with holidays in recent years.  Holidays I loved as a kid have been just a time to get through and holidays I didn't especially care for have become even harder just go through and get to the other side.  But what's on the other side?   Anymore, routine isn't all that comfortable and I'm feeling I don't want to rush life by just to get back to normal, because normal isn't the same and life is change.  Confusing?   It is to me. 

But since the kids have gone and left behind Fourth of July's spent at ballparks for years, or at Mullet or Sand Lakes, this holiday seems to come down to sitting around the house, and perhaps finding a cookout to go to one day of a long weekend.  It has come to symbolize all I dislike about Holidays, everyone else seeming to find a place to go, and I am here.  Christmas has come to feel much the same way.  Expectations that seldom live up to what we hope, too short a time with family traveling home, and the Reason for the Season, slipping away, despite my best intentions.  Every holiday, I am envious of all those who seem to have some place to go and something to enjoy.  I have the almost at times, unbearable urge to just want to get in the car and drive.  How fast I have forgotten the traffic snarls that delayed Fourth of July returns from up North, with a car full of cranky children and crankier adults.  Maybe if I just skipped the cranky kids, I wouldn't be cranky.  I keep thinking I would like to give it a try.

But in the hardest of times which this seems to be, I find little nuggets of wonderful.  Nuggets of wonderful are worth celebrating.  If only I could hold onto that all of my days.  So, church on a Sunday of a holiday weekend.   While, a smaller non vacationing attendance, they were smiling and wishing us well.  We were enjoined to remember our military and the reasons our freedom was won and remains today.  It was a good thing to remember.  We did the mundane of grocery shopping after church, but ran into people we knew and realized once again, not everyone goes away and that there are many who simply can't.  Its a humbling thought. 

I'd like to say the day got better, and that it was a day of enlightenments but it wasn't , and as I sit here and write, its OK that it wasn't, because sometimes we learn more from the mistakes or the days that aren't quite right.  We had sunshine today and a good summer day.  In fact, nearly a perfect summer day here, and one that I will try to hold close come the cold of winter.  A long bike ride in the quiet and cool of sundown, showed me that people all around were doing un-holiday things like mow the lawn, and work in their gardens.  I wasn't alone, in fact, I wasn't even unique.  Comforting in a strange way, and a good way to kick me out of my pity party.

The day ended with a display of fireworks in Saginaw.  While I got more noise than actual color displays, the fireflies came out and gave me once again their magic.  No matter how long I live or how far I go, I hope the delight I take in the magic of fireflies will never leave me.  They flitted among the flowers as the sun sank and I am at peace once again.  And maybe, just maybe I can be all those things I thought I would be with this blog. 

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